it's 11:41pm.. why am i still awake? millions of thoughts are running thru my head. haven't felt like this in a long time. there was a time when insomnia use to control me every night. i swear i could never fall asleep without the help of a pill. don't wanna go bk to that.
my life has been weird lately. trying to live out the years that i lost in my 30's. is that wrong? i don't feel my age. then again what exactly does 36 feel like?
i never got to enjoy my youth. it was robbed from me. everything that i'm enjoying now i was told was sin and would damn me to hell! i could've been married. could've had kids. could've had a thriving music career. but i was robbed.
i wish i could talk about these things to someone but i can't. well, yeah i can. a couple of friends listen to me vent. my parents don't. there's no other options for them. i guess i respect that. i just wish i would've chosen to live my OWN life and enjoy my life a long time ago.
i'm gonna start kickboxing soon. i hear it's a good workout and you can lose weight and get in shape pretty quickly. i hate the way i look right now. i think i'm ugly. overweight. lazy. god, what hv i become?
i've always struggled with my image. my insecurities often eat me alive. a lot of people don't know that. it's been hard lately. being alone sux.
it's 11:48 now. still not sleepy. maybe i'll write another note. one that's more upbeat, tho. idk.
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